Am I even doing anything right

I (51F) lost my "husband" 4 weeks ago this evening. I put it in quotes because we weren't legally married, registered domestic partners and our state doesn't have common law. We have CIRs (Committed Intimate Relationships), but we've called each other husband and wife pretty much since 2-3 months of dating. That was over 11 years ago.

He (59M) passed away very suddenly. He went into an emergency back surgery and unfortunately suffered a catastrophic stroke that took him away from us.

I truly have no idea how to move forward in life. Everyone keeps saying that I'm "strong" and "doing great", but I truly don't feel like it at all. How can I be doing great when every single day I beg him to take me with him? At night, I cuddle up to pillows like he's in bed with the shirt he last wore on top. Even the cat misses him.

I spend almost every day doing all of the administrative work because of his death. I'm calling creditors, banks, going back and forth to the county. I hate leaving the house, but none of these places are coming to me.

Here's the kicker to everything: he lost his wife of 15 years less than a year before we started dating. He was the one that came on strong, but I wasn't the first person he dated after she passed. I was just the one he fell deeply in love with. And all of his friends that knew him with her and then with me, he talked to individually wondering if he was crazy for feeling that way. They've all said he was way more in love with me than her. Don't get me wrong, it was never about some weird competition for me. Hell, I've talked to her over the years, cried about the things she wasn't physically here for with the grandbabies. I've done nothing but ever respect her memory. His adult kids were very attached to their step-mom and have never fully accepted me. Some friends have said that maybe because they saw how deeply in love their dad and I were. I've been around for 3 of our 5 granddaugher's births, but I was never allowed to be considered anything but my first name.

Now, two of the kids are pretty much leaving me out of anything for his 1st memorial (there's going to be a memorial ride later in the summer). They're finally letting me submit some photos and music now that we're 2 weeks away from the memorial. The three of us all talked last night. They want their dad's Harley at the hall where the memorial is taking place. The one daughter is talking about bringing her step-mom's Harley to park next to his. It's like she wants this to be a memorial for both of them. Mind you, a memorial did take place for step-mom when she passed. And she wants the memorial ride (I'm organizing because the kids don't know any of or riding friends) to basically be about the both of them, too. Our friends are already pushing back on her ideas because this ride is about 1st, my husband, 2nd about me (they're making it a fundraising ride for me) and 3rd about them and the close brother they all lost. The daughter hasn't ever ridden with these people, much less with her dad in over 10 years.

And because she's not paying attention or consulting me, she's already screwed up the memorial program cards, added religion to them despite her dad not believing in religion and then screwed up his road name for the patches and stickers she already had made. Apparently, they've got an appointment this week to get his handwriting tattooed on them and acted like they thought of me for a second (I have a lot of tattoos and would have loved to be included).

Anyway, I just feel like I'm not doing things right, like I'm not getting a chance to truly grieve and then pretty much being shunned by the kids like his and my relationship were nothing. I've spent every single day, every hour, every minute by him and it hurts he's not here like he should. I got so lucky he chose me. I had never felt more loved, cared for, made to feel so safe than he did for me. I feel so lucky to have gotten to love him. I just wish it wasn't ripped away from us. There was never one day that our relationship felt stale, boring or complacent.

Sorry for the long ramble.