Alcohol

I didn’t expect this to be a problem. It’s become a problem. I am a cancer widow and I am perpetually haunted by the suffering my wife went through. The loss of ability. The loss of autonomy. The loss of life. It’s been 4 years. I’ve spent the last few developing this problem. I remember my wife telling me not to cope with alcohol. I let her down. We were always careful about alcohol because I am predisposed to addiction. I come from two long lines of alcoholics. We dodged this problem for 12 years. After blowing up on someone I love a few weeks ago I decided I needed to stop. Today I took the last hour of work off, ahead of time, to go to a science based support group that I’ve researched extensively. I don’t believe in god.. sooo AA isn’t gonna work. Anyway. I was gonna go to my first group tonight, but during that last hour of work my brain flooded with thoughts of my wife suffering and thoughts of how fucking careless my parents were and thoughts about how selfish they were to bring me into their busted situation and into this busted world. I didn’t ask to be in this world of pain and anguish. I am not going to have kids and I don’t want to love anyone like I loved my wife. So all I have to look forward to is a lonely life of more pain and anguish. Needless to say I didn’t go to that meeting tonight. I am at the brewery where everyone knows me and drinking in silence. I had been sober for a week. I hate it here. I want my wife back. Fuck this life.