I feel like my life isn’t in my control

I don’t know if this is true or not, but I’ve heard that the younger someone is, the more concerning them being suicidal is.

I don’t understand why it’s considered wrong to think about dying or even to feel like you want to die. I’m not supporting anyone hurting themselves, but I don’t think it’s wrong for someone to feel like it’d be better if they died.

A person doesn’t always have the ability to fix things and fix their life just because “well, they’re young.”

I have never really felt like I had the ability to control or significantly change my life. Life is something that happens to me; I don’t have the ability to just fix everything that’s wrong in my life. I don’t understand why people think being young makes wanting to die wrong.

I am likely neurodivergent. I’ve never excelled socially. My physical health hasn’t been good for years now due to a chronic condition I have that causes me to be in moderate (sometimes worse) pain everyday.

One factor (outside of my control) I think has worsened my situation is that I was born in, grew up in, and still live in a very, very small area that’s less populated (think far from larger towns and cities versus in a large town or a city). I’ve wondered if my life would’ve went a lot differently if I had just been born in a larger area, like a city with a population in the six digit range.

I feel like my youth (my teen years and the first few years of my twenties) was wasted. I feel like things could’ve been different if I had lived somewhere different when I was a teenager onward, but I had no ability to change that. I still have no ability to change that. Part of me thinks I’ll be trapped in the area I’m in for the rest of my life; it feels like something is tying me here and I can’t get away.

I have tried to make changes and set goals. Sometimes I’ve felt like I don’t know why I set goals because it always seems like something prevents me from being able to do whatever it is I want to do.

I almost feel like I can’t have any expectations or any goals because I feel so held down and held back by my life circumstances (being in pain everyday, which has caused me to not be able to get a job, having no income, having no ability to change my life) that I feel powerless.

I don’t know what to do anymore. On a lot of days, I feel like I’m young but I have the quality of life of a 75 year old person due to the pain I’m in. I don’t expect any of the pain, physical or mental, to go away.

What does it mean if someone has never felt in control of their life, and like they can’t or shouldn’t expect anything out of their life because it’s been bad for so long?

I don’t see any of the issues in my life getting better. I don’t see an end in sight. I don’t believe that I have the power to fix the mess that is my life.

TLDR: I’ve never felt like I control my life. I feel like life happens to me and I struggle to cope and get through it. I don’t feel like I have any ability to control, significantly change, or fix my life. It feels like something unfixable that’s way beyond my ability to change or fix.

How are some people so able to control, manage, and change their lives, while I’m finding it difficult to make my bed or shower?

How is someone supposed to be able to control or change their life when all their life has been for so many years is negative circumstances outside of their control happening over and over and over again?

I feel exhausted and defeated. Do most people actually feel like they control their lives, or do a lot of people feel how I feel? What would cause someone to feel how I do; lost, exhausted, defeated, powerless to change anything, and struggling to cope?

Also, are people who struggle socially just supposed to be OK with it somehow? I’ve been told I should just “let it go” about not being able to form social relationships/friendships, but it feels like I can’t just let it go. So much of being a person is social. How am I supposed to stop caring about not being able to form friendships? That’s one thing (among others) that has caused me to have no self esteem.

Sometimes I don’t even know if I developed an identity or sense of self. I don’t know if I managed to develop an identity because I spent my early years and teen years just trying to survive depression, physical pain, etc.

Can someone not form a sense of self from dealing with problems and pain for so many years?