Im scared of entering into 2025 still carrying this pain.

I went through a horrible heartbreak this year and it was my first one at 29. It was a horrible traumatic experience and it lasted from may to the end of August. I experienced my greatest fear.

This situation affected my mental health so much it affected me and my life in every way possible including my academic and work life. It affected my physical health as well. I lost so much weight in an incredibly short amount of time. There were days I did not eat at all.

Although this connection ended in August I've been in a cycle of repeated memories and obsessive thinking about the entire relationship. Just questioning everything constantly wondering why I needed to be hurt that way. I didn't deserve any of it i swear I don't think i ever did anything that deserved that kind of extreme betrayal.

It hurt me so much. There were nights I cried so intensely that it felt like I was literally on the verge of passing out because of how tired my heart felt from the stress and pain I was carrying and releasing.

I have never in my life cried the way I did this year. Never felt such intense pain. And what hurts more is the way I was left behind with the pain. No closure. No explanations for their actions. Just lies....

While I'm sitting here full of pain forced to remember this entire year he is probably sitting somewhere in comfort full of ego and no remorse for what he put me through. It hurt me so much it was so painful. And all I ever was to him was loving and supportive.

He was willing to keep me in a lie just to satisfy his own selfish desires. But now he lost me permanently. And probably doesn't even realize the extent in which he damaged and broke me.

He still had the nerve to say something like "i wouldnt play around with another person's feelings"...what a fckin joke. Because it's all he did from the moment we met.

I even got myself into a cord cutting meditation to get myself to forget him and move on for good but it didn't do anything.

I feel so stuck in this pain just constantly thinking "why would you do that to someone who was only ever kind to you??"

This experience left me sad that I will be too afraid to open up to people in the future and it will become harder to date now. I wish I had experienced this heartbreak in my early 20s instead of now.

Answering his dm was my biggest mistake. I wish we never met. And i hope he reaps what he sows.

Im just so full of hurt. I don't want to carry this on into 2025. I'm trying to forgive and move on but why....

Why would he do all that to me

Im a human I was never a dog. So unfair for someone to play with another person feelings that way. It's cruel