I was raped

My ex-boyfriend raped me when I was 16.   I didn’t think of it much until it happened again when I was 19, but with a different guy.   It was traumatizing as shit, but I honestly enjoyed the attention, so I didn’t care that much.     Until I turned 20, and that’s when the drama started.    

I had my first consensual sex with the love of my life at the time lmao, and it was boring as fuck.
I didn’t enjoy any second of it. I literally didn’t feel anything, so yeah that was concerning.    

And then it happened again. Yes, I was raped for the third time, and I know it sounds crazy, but my life was a roller coaster.

I can’t be honest with my therapist; I can’t tell them about any of that, and even if I did, I’d just lie about a lot of things, and I don’t want to waste a lot of effort on lying and making up excuses. But the thing that worries me is that I don’t feel anything, literally anything. It just feels like life is a game of some sort, and I’m just exploring it with 0 fucks. I don't know if it’s related to the rape thingy, but it kind of started around the same time the first incident happened.

I don’t know if talking about this would help me in any way possible. It’s awkward to talk about this because I know it’s mostly my fault.

I truly believe I could have successfully fought it if I wasn't trying my best to hide how much I was enjoying it. 

Just the fact that I’m me and I’m stuck with me till the day I die is sickening and unbearable.